RENT in Under Ten Minutes
by entwined-in-a-web
Summary: What happens when RENT is condensed to ten minutes? Random Crack Fic/Parody. REVIEW PLEASE! Bad summary, sorry...


**A/N: Ok, I wrote this like in one day, so bear with me…Ok, and so maybe the title lies. IT MAY OR MAY NOT TAKE YOU TEN MINUTES TO READ THIS! Lol…**

**But anyway, here's my RENT spoof! And yes. I'll admit. Slight (VERY slight) Mark/Roger pairing…but as a joke! Enjoy!**

**AND REVIEW!**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own the awesomeness that is RENT…**

**Scene 1:**

Mark: Oh, hey audience! Roger say hello!

Roger: Angst…angst…angst…

Mark: I'm Mark Cohen and this is my roommate Roger Davis! He's…angsty…

Roger: Oh my God…it's snowing….*with tears* _April_ loved snow…

Mark: Yeah…we love in a loft on Avenue B! Oh, look! Here comes the whole cast!

Cast: Hi!!!

Mark: Let's ran about rent!

**Scene 2:**

Joanne: Maureen? Maureen? Dammit…

Collins: Gah! I got mugged!

Angel: *drumming*

Collins: Oowwww…

Angel: Aww…you ok, honey?

Collins: Yeah…I think…

Angel: OMG! You're cute!

Collins: What?

Angel: Nothing….let's go to Life Support!

**Scene 3:**

Mark: I'm gonna leave you now to go help my ex-girlfriend because apparently I don't give a shit about your angst! Bye!

Roger: *sigh* I wanna write a song…

Mimi: *knock, knock*

Roger: Company…_April_ loved company…

Mimi: Open the damn door!

Roger: Hello…OH MY GOD! A LADY!

Mimi: Ok….Will you light my candle?

Roger: NO! *slams door shut*

Mimi: Crap…*knocks*

Roger: What?

Mimi: I forgot my drugs.

Roger: Oops. I secretly found them but I won't give them to you to intensify the plot.

Mimi: WHERE'S MY STASH?!?!?! Oh. You're staring at my ass.

Roger: NO I'M NOT!

Mimi: Yes you are.

Roger: Yeah…hey! A…candy bar wrapper!

Mimi: You can't afford candy bars…

Roger: Shit…

Mimi: *grabs stash and leaves*

**Scene 4:**

Mr. Jefferson: Drone on….drone on…

Mrs. Jefferson: Complain….complain…Wear a bra!

**Scene 5:**

Mark: Hey! I'm back! COLLINS!

Collins: Hey!

Roger: Oh, hi…

Collins: Oh hi? Wow…really, man?

Roger: I am angsty.

Collins: I see…Hey! I have STOLI!

Mark: Yay! Party!

Collins: And here's how I got it!

Angel: *twirls in* Today for you, tomorrow for me!

*Angel does her ditty*

Collins: WHOO! GO ANG! WHOO!

Angel: Thanks…hi!

Mark and Roger: Um…hi…

Angel: Let's go to-!

Benny: GET OF THE RANGE ROVER, MOTHER FUCKER!

Mark: Benjamin Coffin III….

Benny: I am mean and I spit on puppies and old ladies!

Angel: Gasp!

Benny: Roger! Marky! Let's open a cyber studio and crush Maureen's dreams in the process!

Mark: No.

Benny: You'll see….or you'll PACK, BITCHES!

Roger: Wow…

Angel: He needs Prozac…Good thing I know a psychopharmacologist!

Mark: A what?

Angel: Never mind…Hey! Let's go to Life Support!

Mark and Collins: Ok!

Roger: No.

Angel: Suit yourself!

**Scene 6:**

Joanne: Line in…I went to Harvard for this?

Mark: It's Joanne! My ex's girlfriend!

Joanne: Fuck this…

Mark: Joanne?

Joanne: Mark?

Mark: Hi…you know, Maureen is like a dizzy tango…

Joanne: Nice analogy…

Mark: Thanks…

Joanne: Well, this has been sufficiently awkward….bye.

Mark: Bye.

**Scene 7:**

Steve: GORDON!

Gordon: STEVE!

*they hug*

Collins: Wooooww….

Angel: Meet Steve and Gordon…

Paul: I'm Paul! Let's begin…

Mark: Oops.

Paul: Hello!

Ali, Pam, and Sue: YAY! A straight guy!

Mark: Um…I don't have AIDS…

Ali, Pam, and Sue: DAMMIT!

Mark: I shall film you…

Paul: ok!

**Scene 8:**

Mimi: WEEEEEE! Let's go Oooooouuuut tonight!

Roger: Angst…angst…angst…

Mimi: I busted through your door!

Roger: Oh crap…

Mimi: Kiss me, fool!

*They kiss*

Roger: Go away! Can't you see I'm angsty?!

Mimi: B-B-But I love you…NO DAY BUT TODAY, BEEYOTCH!

Roger: Grrr….

**Scene 9:**

Angel: We're on the street!

Bag Lady: Who the fuck do you think you are?

Mark: I'm Mark! I'm an artist!

Bag Lady: Hey, artist. You got a dollar?

Mark: No…

Bag Lady: Figures…I gotta go sell coats in the next scene anyway….

Angel: New York City *awkward Justin Johnston laugh*

Collins: Let's move to Santa Fe!

Mark: Why?

Collins: I dunno…DANCE, HOBOS, DANCE!

Mark: Bye!

Angel: I LOVE YOU!

Collins: ME TOO!

*They kiss*

**Scene 10: **

Joanne: GAHH! The phones calls! They are killing me!

Hobos: Hey! But our stuff!

Bag Lady: I sell coats!

Angel: C'mon! Let's buy a coat!

Bag Lady: Here

Angel: AHHHHHH! MY EYES!

Collins: I love you, Angel…

Angel: Kiss me, fool!

*they kiss again*

Mark: Then she rammed down the door?

Roger: Yeah…

Mark: Ouch…

Roger: Let's get fat. OMIGOD! MIMI!

Mark: That's Maureen.

Roger: No! MIMI!

Druggies: Yay! Drugs!

The Man: Yeah…I'm so cool, I don't even have a first name….

Mimi: Hi, Man.

Roger: Hey!

Mimi: Hey.

Roger: I am sorry…wanna go to dinner?

Mimi: Ok!

The Man: No! Don't steal my chick!

Roger: You suck!

**Scene 11:**

Maureen: omg, omg, omg, omg, omg, omg….

Crowd: WHOO!

Maureen: PROTEST!

Benny: Call the cops!

Crowd: RIOT!

Mark: Film!

**Scene 12:**

Maureen: Nice restaurant…

Mimi: Oh my God…BENNY!

Benny: I called the cops!

Maureen: You suck.

Benny: My dog died…

Angel: Oops.

Mark: Aw, Benny, c'mon! We're bohemian!

Benny: No. Bohemia is dead.

Bohos: NEVER!

Maureen: I shall moon you!

Mr. Grey: GAHH! MY EYES!!

Bohos: WHOO! Dancing on tables!

Benny: Grrr…

Roger: Hey, Mimi, I have HIV!

Mimi: Me too!

Roger: Let's kiss and walk away!

Mimi: Ok!

*they do so*

Joanne: YOU CHEATING BITCH!

Maureen: I hate Benny!

Bohos: Back on the tables! Whoo! VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!

**ACT 2!!!**

**Scene 1:**

Mark: Happy New Year!

Roger: Benny locked us out!

Mark: Bummer…

Mimi: I love you, Roger!

Roger: Yeah…

Maureen: Hi guys! Look at my sexy cat suit!

Mark: *gulp*

Maureen: My riot got you on TV!

Mark: Yes…I know…

Maureen: Hold on…POOKIE!

Joanne: What?

Maureen: Let me be your slave!

Joanne: M'kay…

Mark: Ok! Let's climb up the building!

Collins: Bond. James Bond.

Angel: And Pussy Galore…IN PERSON!

Collins: Where is everyone?

Mimi: Don't ask…

**Scene 2:**

Mrs. Cohen: YOUR MOTHER!

Alexi Darling: MARKY!

**Scene 3:**

Maureen: OMG! We should-!

Joanne: No…

Bohos: Let's bust the door in! WHOO!

Benny: Ho, ho, ho!

Maureen: Santa?

Benny: I am mean! Mimi seduced me!

Mimi: You lying asshole!

Roger: GAHH!

Mimi: *sad face*

**Scene 4:**

Mark: Happy Valentine's Day!

Maureen: Grrr!

Joanne: Grrr!

Maureen: I hate you!

Joanne: I hate you too!

Maureen: Well, I'd hate you even if I didn't hate you. That's how much I hate you…

Joanne:….I'd hate you even if that made sense…

Maureen: DIVA FIT!

**Scene 5:**

Mimi: Hi Roger!

Roger: YOU CHEATING WHORE!

Mimi: Um…

Roger: HAPPY SPRING, BITCH!

Mimi: *sigh*

Angel: Well, we've been missing from the plot ever since the Act 2 opener…now I'm dying…

Collins: No!

**Scene 6:**

Roger and Maureen: Let's have sex!

Mimi and Joanne: M'kay!

Collins and Angel: Us too!

Angel: Wait…I thought I was dead?

Mark: What _am_ I doing under this sheet?

Ensemble: Life and death dance!

Maureen and Roger: it's over!

Joanne and Mimi: It's over!

Collins: It's over…

**Scene 7:**

Collins: WAAHHH!

Mimi: I miss Angel…

Mark: Me too…

Benny: Why am I here?

Mark: Hello? Alexi Darling? *sigh* I am depressed…

Mimi: Roger! Where are you going?

Roger: To Santa Fe!

Mark: You ass!

**Scene 8:**

Mark: Ooh! Vampire welfare queens are compulsive bowlers! WTF?

Roger: OMG! MY SONG! Back to Avenue B!

**Scene 9:**

Mrs. Davis: Roger? Where the hell are you?

Mrs. Marquez: Spanish…Spanish…

Mr. Jefferson: Kitten, we're stalking your office!

Mrs. Cohen: MARK!

All: PLEASE CALL!

**Scene 10:**

Hobos: Ugh….Christmas…

Mark: Roger! I finished a film!

Roger: Awesome! I finished a song!

Mark: Cool!

Roger: Where's Mimi?

Mark: I dunno…*under his breath* nor do I care…

Roger: What was that last bit?

Mark: I LOVE YOU, ROGER DAVIS!

Roger:….yeah…..

Collins: Merry Christmas, bitches!

Roger: Mark is gay!

Collins: And you're surprised by this?

Mark: Hey!

Collins: I got money by illegally rewiring an ATM!

Maureen: MARKY! We have Mimi!

Joanne: Maureen, can you help me here? She's really heavy…

Maureen: Not now, Pookie!

Mark: Mark to the rescue!

Mimi: *cough*

Roger: *Sings "Your Eyes"*

Mimi: *Dies*

**Scene 11:**

Mimi: CRAP!

Angel: Hi!

Mimi: Hi!

Angel: Don't die yet.

Mimi: Ok!

**Scene 12:**

Mimi: HOLY SHIT!

Roger: Mimi?

Mimi: I saw Angel!

Collins: Yay!

Mark: Aww…we're all so happy now! Let's watch my movie!

All: NO DAY BUT TODAY!

**A/N: Reviews?**


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